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neptunain:

legal tip: if a cop catches you smoking weed, be sure to tell them “whoever smelt it dealt it” because then they have to arrest themselves. trust me im a lawyerman

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What the frick
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humorking:

“wanna hang out? when are you free?”

i’m never free, $50 per hang out

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Anyone who gives you a cinnamon roll fresh from the oven is a friend for life
— Lemony Snicket, When Did You See Her Last? (via feellng)
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shego:

shout out to people who have seen you naked but you can still have regular conversations with

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wubangs:

if she doesn’t text you when shes drunk then you aint da one

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sarahsizzites:

snowpetrel:

i was babysitting a little boy and girl once and the boy asked me if i had a boyfriend and i said “no!! but i have a girlfriend!” and he said “like a friend thats a girl?” and i said “no like a boyfriend but they’re a girl instead of a boy! we still do couple things but we’re just both girls” and he said, without missing a beat, “oh ok! are you gonna marry her?”

like it’s literally that easy for kids to understand

Children > Adults

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uhmeliamay:

putting on really tight pants and then realizing you have to pee

image

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baby: b...bo... b..
mother: bottle? do you want a bottle??
baby: b...b....
baby: bOY TOY NAMED TROY USED TO LIVE IN DETROIT
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does anyone else blog too many text posts in a row and then tries to quickly find a quality photo on your dash to reblog because you think your followers will unfollow you or is that just me

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